Ode to a Sandwich

Welcome to November. It's the fourth, and I am very proud to announce that I have just finished making the most unsuccessful sandwich in living memory. I should win a prize. It's a shame I didn't take a photo of it before it departed this world...

I was desperate for some food, and so drifted over to the fridge in search of sustenance. We have:

• A marmalade jar, empty save a smearing of transparent orange/yellow goo.
• Two cheese spread cartons, empty-ish and turning slightly brown at the edges
• A bottle of salsa, now much more pungent that the Mexicans originally intended, I'm willing to bet.
• Some margarine, now far too yellow to possibly benefit your cholesterol levels.
• Many miscellaneous items encased in various brands of plastic Tupperware.
• Fresh brown bread- a bloody miracle.
• A pack of butter, hardened to the consistency of cheese by the excessive arctic conditions at the very back of said refrigerator.
• Very little else.

Why do people choose to place empty items back into the fridge?! I cannot envisage the circumstances under which I would ever be in dire need of a slightly chilled jar of no marmalade.

Desperate for some form of gastronomic satisfaction, I opted for the simple fresh-brown-bread and hard-butter combo. Have you ever tried spreading hard butter onto soft bread? Oh wait. That's right. You can't.

Folklore dictates that hard butter can be made soft by employing that cunning scientific discipline known as 'mashing': the butter is gradually warmed against the side of its carton through repeated knife-manipulation. However, there is a glaring flaw in my situation: butter sits in a flimsy paper/foil crap pack. So butter is placed cold and hard onto bread, refusing to lie down like morning glory. A feeling of utter inadequacy embraces you as these lumps of fat mock your dismal sandwich making abilities. Last effort is a vigorous chopping technique. Gaping holes appear in bread- not exactly what I had in mind- butter hasn't budged. Bread is thrust across the kitchen in a hissy fit.

I am still hungry.