Easy Come, Easy Go

I'm very good at losing things - singular earrings, multiple cell phones, other people's belongings, my train of thought, the list is endless. I misplace my mind with a refreshing regularity. Though that is true, it's not the kind of thing I want to talk/type about losing today; I'm also rather good at losing people. This is rather bad, I gather.

I don't know whether it's sheer carelessness on my part, disregard for their feelings, my self admitted apathy and fear of confrontation, the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat or maybe just me, being a bad person. As much as I detest this conclusion, I've ruled out the possibility of a It's-Not-Me-It's-You scenario. This has happened far too often. I know this is harping on the selfishness thang I had going a few posts ago, but hey, forgive me if I'm identifying a major character flaw I've been carrying around like a half eaten sandwich in your backpack that went unnoticed for weeks until the stench got so bad that nobody wanted to sit next to you anymore, not even the weird kid who still eats paste and only has self drawn chalk-figures for friends. Yeah, not even her. (See, train of thought successfully lost)

I think about them a lot. I replay and rewind everything in my mind a thousand times, retrace my steps to find where I lost them. I wish I could talk to them. I don't want them to belong to someone else, even if they are more deserving of them. I want them back.

I wish there was a sort of Lost & Found box for people. Where you could just saunter on in, look at the array of metaphorical equivalents of single earrings, pick and choose who you want back and leave the rest for the Salvation Army. Because these are things I'll never say out loud - a) I'm sorry b) I miss you c) I want you back and d) you hurt me when you left.

For future reference, when I say 'Leave, see if I care' I mean 'I want you to stay, I'm sorry, you'll hurt me if you go and I'll miss you sorely'.